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why I hate this month

And now I finally remember why this month will always be hell for me. After all this time, I still haven't learned to live without her.

Five years ago today, my sister died of a pulmonary embolism. A tiny little blood clot traveled to her lung and she didn't have a chance.

And I don't think I will ever recover.

I've gotten the annual invitation to Thanksgiving at Dad's house and, once again, I said no. I just can't celebrate, not when the day I lost my sister was the day before the day I was supposed to give thanks. In the best years, Thanksgiving was awkward and seemed endless and now I can't face it.

I don't expect anyone to abstain from feasting today. I don't expect anyone to forgo feeling grateful for the family they see at the table on Thursday. Just please don't expect me to be able to do the same.

If you have a family that loves you for who you are, please be grateful on my behalf. If you have found joy, if you love your life, I hope you celebrate Thanksgiving in some way.

If you knew Cat, I hope you remember her this week. If there are people in your life that you love and who love you, then I hope you celebrate and feel blessed.

And may you all have many things to be thankful for this year.


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 23rd, 2010 02:37 pm (UTC)
Is that what happened? I never knew; I'd heard asthma or something.

I remember Nick called to tell me. I thought it was a sick joke. Prayed it was.

I wish it had been.

*tight HUGS*
Nov. 23rd, 2010 04:06 pm (UTC)
Nov. 23rd, 2010 06:53 pm (UTC)
I know its hard, you have a prayer from me.

I always miss my mom with an ache I can't heal on special days, so I get out one of her music boxes and play it while the rest of us say grace. it's a little thing, but it makes me feel like she's there somehow.

Nov. 23rd, 2010 09:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs* There are never enough words. *hugs*
Nov. 23rd, 2010 10:13 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Wendy. I've been thinking about her a lot all month -- not just sadness, though, but in part because a lot of my favorite Cat memories are in the fall, when the leaves are turning and falling. To me it's sorta "her" time, if that makes sense.
Nov. 23rd, 2010 10:16 pm (UTC)
Also, I randomly heard "Hallelujah" at Starbucks this morning. So even if I did forget (which I wouldn't) I'm not allowed to forget. More hugs.
Nov. 23rd, 2010 10:34 pm (UTC)
If you knew Cat, I hope you remember her this week.
Every day, dearie. Every day.

Much love to you and Judy. Peace.
Nov. 23rd, 2010 11:19 pm (UTC)
I wore one of her rings today. It was just sitting there with my glasses - like it was supposed to be worn today.
Nov. 24th, 2010 01:46 am (UTC)
[hugs] Sympathy and understanding. I work this week -- I'm on call -- in part specifically so that I can duck Thanksgiving family festivities. My heart's not really in them either.

I am, however, thankful that I got to be Cat's friend for as long as I did.
Nov. 24th, 2010 04:52 am (UTC)
I think it's great that you set your boundaries, even with family, and take time for yourself to be how you need to be and feel we that you are feeling.

I can't imagine your pain and sense of loss, but i will gladly listen and be there for you in any way you need; even if it's to be quiet.

I do what i can to help the days ease by, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am so very thankful to count you and your Mom as my family; and somedays that's just the best i have.

Nov. 24th, 2010 08:30 am (UTC)
{hugs} {beeps you on the nose}
Nov. 30th, 2010 07:00 pm (UTC)
You don't know me, aside from a brief interaction on the NaBloPoMo discussion forum. But I would like to share my condolences. My own mother died of a similar cause (technically it was a ruptured aorta, but they are almost the same thing) back in December of 1994.

Things like that are usually so sudden that the loss is even more devastating than it would normally be. I know it must have been horribly painful to you.

It's a cliche, but time does heal. That's not to say you shouldn't still be grieving after 5 years. If it was someone you really loved (as seems to be the case with your sister) , it can take a lot of time. But it will get better.

I am truly sorry for your loss.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )