The meeting went well, and I find myself in a far better mood tonight than I was in last night.

My task at the meeting was a lot easier than I had thought it would be. I did not have to give tours (whew!) but I did have to do a brief presentation on the books I chose as potential big sellers to each of the groups of booksellers going through the store. I chose several, so there is more of a chance that I will be right on at least one of them. Two are on the bestseller list already, so that adds to my confidence.

The one problem with not doing the tour like I thought we were is that I didn't have the chance to make sure everyone knew that the art wall is now in order and had better stay that way. I have a few dire threats in mind for anyone caught shoving things in the wrong place.

We ended the meeting with yearbook-style superlatives, which encompassed everything from best all-around employee to most likely to be in a movie to who was most likely to be zonked out in the breakroom. If you have heard my voice post, then you know I won "best phone voice" Barry White got a write-in vote (do we sound alike?). I was also voted "most knowledgeable about Barnes & Noble" (this time the write-in went to CEO Len Riggio). Needless to say, I was pleased, in a somewhat dorky teacher's pet kind of way.

To nearly everyone's relief, we were spared the corporate videos. New assistant manager J viewed them all and gave every one a thumbs-down. From what little I saw, I couldn't have agreed more strongly. I hadn't realized that M was a champion of an older film that features a really obnoxious idiot making a film about B&N. *sigh* I really like M, but I wonder about him at times.

So now, on to hell season. I should stock up on alcohol.

One more thing: I was not prepared for how weird it would be to hear a recording of myself. I sound like a stranger. Sorry for the crappy cell-phone sound, but they don't have a local number and I wanted to skip long-distance charges.

I have a new toy.

I finally downloaded Gimp and I have been learning the tricks. Lots of fun. So far I have three new icons to show for it, but I am sure that they will not be the last. I may have to start making icon posts once I get the hang of what this thing can do.

I had been seriously tempted by Photoshop, but the price is a bit much for a budget that is formed from a retail job (besides, there are beads to buy!). So, freeware it is. Those of you who are artistically inclined should give it a shot. It is a bit complicated, but the basics are pretty easy to learn. The fact that I bought a book made it a lot easier, but the only one I could find was fifty bucks; thank you, employee discount. There is information online about how to use it, plus the help menus, but I have always found books to be easier to learn from.

Look out, world. I now have a decent program for playing with pictures.

This thing beats the snot out of Paint.

In other news:

Quote from the seven-year-old kid across the aisle from me at dinner, as he was talking to (I think) grandfather, "You're fifty-three years old and you're still alive?!?!" Mom, who is still alive and in her sixties, nearly choked when she heard it.

The office politics at work continue to be interesting. M is still on the outs with just about everyone, even though everyone seems to like him on a personal level these days. Boss Lady (as I should have mentioned a while ago) left to pursue things far away from the book business and has yet to be replaced. Instead, we have been treated to a series of "rental" managers from other stores, who invariably try to take over the store and make it a clone of their own. They have all failed at that, but have been able to leave without starting any wars. We do have a new assistant manager and she is already well-liked - she is fairly easy-going and has a wicked sense of humor. B, my supervisor, will be leaving sometime in the near future, and thinks that I should try to replace him. He can keep dreaming. There is no way I'm going to try to be a manager right now. With my luck, I would end up working very closely with a bitch-on-wheels general manager. I'll keep a safe distance until I know what kind of person ends up in charge of the store, thank you very much.

I really don't see myself ever trying to be a manager there, to be honest. The chain likes to eat managers and then spit them out again. I have yet to come across anyone who has really been happy with the decision to get a set of store keys.

But I don't know what my plans are. Someday, I'll have to figure out what to do.

General politics continue to boil around here. The blogger who was wrestled out of the Omni Hotel is now being held pending possible charges of assault against some of Sen. Allen's staffers. I don't know many details, but I doubt they will be believed unless it was caught on tape. It will not help Allen's campaign, I'm sure. The Republicans are dealing with a scandal on the national level that will likely hurt them as well; a major religious figure for the Christian Right has been forced out of his job as pastor because of accusations involving male prostitution and meth use. A part of me is glad to see the neocons getting kicked in the teeth, but I'm also just so sick of them that I wish the political muck could be cleared away. Why can't these people act like the adults they appear to be? To a certain extent, that goes for both sides. I've been yelling at the attack ads from everyone's campaign lately.

Is it Tuesday yet?

Well, it had been a while, but I crashed again at work today (now technically yesterday).

I went into work feeling a weight on my chest and it just got worse as the shift went on. I finally broke while I was getting lunch, prompting the nice guy at Quizno's to ask me if I was all right. Embarrassing, although he was understanding when I explained.

I miss Cat. I miss her so much I can't even begin to describe the scope of it.

I can live with it some days, but it never quite goes away.

I guess it had been building for a long time, but I really didn't expect to fall apart so completely. I was sobbing. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard.

M saw what I was going through, and sat with me for a little while before he left for the day. The whole time he was talking to me, he was holding a brontosaurus temporary tattoo against the side of his neck. He never questioned why I was still hurting so much. He never suggested I should be over it by now. He made me laugh when the head of the tattoo design failed to stick.

I finally went to BL (boss lady) to ask her if I could go home early. When she saw my face she hugged me, and agreed when I said "I guess there will be days like this."

I wasn't in the daily schedule today for computer reasons (I still don't get the details) so they had already planned the day without me. I think BL would have let me go home regardless.

It was Rowan who finally managed to distract me. It took me a while to figure out why she was running around the way she was.

Note to self

You watched, of all the things on television, Larry King, because, silly girl, Anderson Cooper was on.

Anderson Cooper is very good looking and is a very interesting speaker.

And he spends a great deal of time talking about the loss of his brother.

You spend the entire day feeling out-of-sorts and more than a little depressed and so you watch the one thing on television most likely to make you more unhappy. You stare at the screen, unable to turn away, as he talks about his numbness in the days that followed his brother's suicide. You inevitably think back to the past holiday season and the loss that still hurts so much when you think about it.

And why were you so silly?

Oh yeah, your numbskulled little obsession with anything that makes you think of your own pain.

Time to break some habits.

Time to turn off the TV and go to bed. And buy something funny to read while at work tomorrow.

At least M comes back from his vacation tomorrow. He should be a nice distraction for your painfully emo little heart.

It was good to see you, lunakitsch, poopik, and forgive me I can't remember your name (I feel awful about that). I wish we could have spoken longer. It is awkward seeing people I know at work sometimes, especially when it is busy.

It was harder seeing a former teacher. She knew, thank heavens, so I didn't have to play the game of tell or don't tell. When I was in high school I spent a lot of time talking to her. It's a bit strange seeing her now, and not having a clue what to say. My ability to hold a coherent conversation seems to go away whenever I see someone I know and don't work with these days. I think most of it comes under the heading of "nobody knows what to say".

The subject line actually is not sarcastic. I love my job because of ny coworkers. Last night, I lost it right at the end of the shift, when the closing shift was getting ready to walk out the door. I managed not to really start sobbing until I started walking out to my car, which was parked further away than anyone else's car because I hadn't wanted to fight the other vultures in the lot we usually use. As I was sitting in my car, crying my heart out, I saw another car approaching. It was my favorite manager, with another coworker he was giving a ride. MFM decided that he needed to stop at the grocery store. Right then. To look for a can of pickled beets. Fifteen minutes of truly inspired silliness later, I was able to drive home with only a few stray tears to wipe away. I may be falling in love with this man.